Emmanuel and all that it entails
All the Melo-Drama unfit to print.


4/28/2003  

I am an island.

Like I predicted, no one signed up as of 24 hours later. Only a couple of people complained that I sent them junk mail. I'm sure when they see me they might say something. I'm skipping the whole rant about backwards friends and their anti-technology stance.

It's OK. I am an island in a digital sea. I'm only asking to build a bridge.

posted by gimptek | 4/28/2003 08:32:00 PM
 

Safety in Subconsious

I just had the best dream:

I was just this afternoon. I was asleep for 30 min. It was all based on me and my brother Daniel on some sort of road trip. Well, for some reason, he

brought his girlfriend along. I don't know if he has one in real life. Well, she was perfect in a way only girl in your dreams can be.

The dream centered around us stopping somewhere and the sun was shining in it's full glory, we had bought a camera (two actually, in an earlier dream) and

he was trying to take a picture of her. He knew that I was better with cameras and photography so, he hands the camera to me.

So, I'm staring at the woman of my dreams who seems to be in love with my brother, through the lens of a camera. How's that for romantic detachement? She

looked like a mix between my friend Jason's sister Carrie and the comedian Sarah Silverman.

Now, this whole dream was based around the photography of this girl. It was her smile and the way she looked at me and trying to photograph her. Well, a little thing about photography is that the focal length of the lens (ie.-the zoom) kinda governs how wide someone seems in the frame. When they say the camera adds ten pounds, this is what they mean. Well, being a dream, I would try to shoot her up close and change the focal length on the camera and I can see her add fat on her face and lose it again. It was weird.

I had this feeling, this thought through my head that it was just her behind that. When I wasn't looking through the camera, she looked fine, normal, Beautiful but, through the lens, she was distorted. It was the camera doing this. Well, I kept working the focal length until she looked as beautiful as she did without the camera. Some how I got her to laugh and this seemed to be when her beauty was shinning through the brightest and the whole phenomenon just seemed to stop when she laughed. I tried so hard to get her laugh in the shot... But, it didn't make it in and then I woke up.



posted by gimptek | 4/28/2003 07:40:00 PM
 

Safety in Solitude

Junk mail wouldn't be so bad except it's the only thing I get.

posted by gimptek | 4/28/2003 05:23:00 AM
 

I am an island.

Found out about a new website/web service called Friendster. It's great. It takes personal relationships and uses them as the basis for an online digital community, a web of friends basically. It's such a simple and revolutionary idea, I'm suprised no one has thought of it before now.

The possiblities of this site are endless. If everyone actually participated in this, you could really see if you are 7 steps from Kevin Bacon or anyone else you might want to find out about. The great thing about Friendster is that it uses your friends and only your friends can see you. It's not like some random, unknown person can just look you up.

The thing that sucks is my friends aren't going to do it. I just know it. It sucks but, I know that they won't (with a few exceptions). I can name the people who are going to go for it right now. 3 people maybe 4 adventurous that I know. The rest, either scared of the idea of people knowing people, knowing them or, just scared about the web and technology in general.

I might as well live in the stone age. I have friends without call waiting for crying out loud. Never mind cell-phones and what not, call-waiting. I'm starting to talk like a techno-snob here but, there's no reason not to have it if lets you communicate better.

I'm a tech forward person. When I see cell phones and text messaging, I see it as new forms and mediums of communication that people adjust to, other people see it as just another intrusion into their lives and time. I see it as another way of getting a hold of someone. There was a time when the thought of calling someone was obsene and rude. Another time when the only communiation to be had was through letters or by telegraph. To them, we must seem insanely connected. "You can call someone in their home and talk to them live? As if standing next to you?", they would say.

Once they got up for swooning at the greatness of it all and you explained to them the technology and they understood it, there would be the cultural barrier to cross. Everyone and every culture must cross it. Most people don't remember crossing it because they grew up into it but, as people get older there's the choice of staying where you are comfortable with how everything works or pushing yourself into where modern culture is.

Japanese school girls are very ahead of the game (a cultural group probably the most ahead in the world) and while Japan is already very ahead in and of itself, these school girls are famous for taking the latest device or commucation technology (especially when it comes to cell-phones) and making them work in their social groups on a day to day basis. They are why text messaging is going to be the Next Big Thing with cellphones. Because, these girls would use the messaging instead of making actual phone call and thus saving themselves the money of making a call. Japanese in general have made having a cellphone and cellphone ediquette(sp?) a part of their culture. One thing that really cool and useful is that you text message someone before calling them.

This small thing makes all the difference in the world because a text message is silent and can be answered later and doesn't need to be attended to right away. This also allows someone to set a date or a reminder of something or get approval without making a phone call that can get lengthy when the real point of the call is just a short request. This actually saves alot of time and effort, efficiently using both people's time. But, people (ie-my friends) don't seem to see this side of the benefit. They seem to say that technology is for the new, the young the ambitious and leave cellphones and pagers and other communication things to people who want them.

This wouldn't be so bad except that these people are my age. All under 30 and most under 22. People have stopped progressing technologically at 22. There is something wrong with that peer group.

Here's something I'm sure is a treat! My picture. Yeah I know it's bad but, what can you do? I didn't take it :)

posted by gimptek | 4/28/2003 04:25:00 AM


4/19/2003  

Cult of the New

"Herecy! I can already smell the wood burning."

It's not that I haven't wanted to blog lately or that stuff hasn't been happening but, it's just that I'm working on my new website and any free time spent on a computer outside of this endevor is sacreligous in the Dogma of Me. Herecy! I can already smell the wood burning. I can hear the collective salivation of all you readers. This is the place that I will show the progress of the new site.

I might get a job. I'll keep you posted.

-E.Mwangi

posted by gimptek | 4/19/2003 08:17:00 PM


4/14/2003  

Safety in Silence

"Each person I know is a great, deep mystery--one that will probably keep enthralled for all time. One person is more than I can know..."

The time has come. My blog has gone public. I tried to keep it a select few and use it an emotional brodcast tool to tell people how I feel instead of repeating myself needlessly. I imagined a future where instead of telling the umteenth person that I'm great and this and this are going on in my life, I can just relax and say read it in the blog or people would at least read it every now and then and catch up with me and how I'm doing instead of asking me all the time. It's also a great way to go into detail about things that people aren't going to sit down and listen to.

Or so I thought. Blogs are horrible at this. I can't say what I want to say because someone might get hurt (that person is most likely me) and it gives someone pretty deep access if they just got the link and don't know who I am. I'm a really open person but, early on (like I'm so late in the game now--at 21) I learned that you can be too open and everyone doesn't need to be that close. Apparently, I'm still learning that lesson.

Because of this problem, the scope of my blog is going to be toned down. I don't know how much I'll pull it back but, I'm going to have to censor myself on this thing. I'll keep all the deeply personal tid-bits to myself. Some things aren't going to change though. Poetry, still going to stay. What else is going and what else is staying I don't know yet, it's just that I'm slowly starting to realize that I'm publishing. Publishing, with a big "P". The whole idea of that is close to mindboggling. People are reading what I write, people other than myself. It's teaching me things because up until this a little while ago, I was my only Reader. My audience are my friends and I don't want to hurt them with this and this blog (ie. Publishing in general) tends to have a nasty feedback effect. Me talking about things going on in my life shouldn't affect my life but, this medium does and in very unpredictable ways. Each person I know is a great, deep mystery--one that will probably keep enthralled for all time. One person is more than I can know--more than one reading into things that I didn't even see in what I write and then feeding back to in ways I don't understand; it would just be too much.

posted by gimptek | 4/14/2003 12:36:00 AM


4/11/2003  

Safety in Obscurity

I like to write poetry and I often do. I've thought about posting some here. Really, I have. But, it wouldn't be good. I cringe when I read myself. I only read my own work to critique it. Yeah, I've written a couple of worthwhile pieces but, those stay in the journal. Poetry hell, all art is my ego and putting it up can only bruise it.


Damn it!

See how much I trust you?::

Untitled (Here's to Keeping Quiet)

My only thought were questions:
LA or San Paulo
New York or Toronto
The oddity of packing swim trunks for Christmas Break
Suntan Lotion, Glasses, what else?
Facing the unknown with only your wits and supplies from Sav-ons
Quiet preperations for culture shock
Practicing the smile, not too much, think of something funny, think of her smile at 2am with speckles of paint and the street lamps glow on her face the laugh you had when you thought of kissing her the joke that you could never tell--think of that when you taste that first dish and you don't like it.
San Paulo and their salsa that she picked up--that frantic two-step samba that you could dance all night, next to her.

--

Damn it. Couldn't finish. Maybe another time. Another post. It's hard to put this out. I'm rewriting it as I type and it's good but, it's not going the way I intended it to.

As far as the title goes, it's untitled because it doesn't have one yet and may never get one but, only the end of this poem will tell if it gets a title or not. Here's to Keeping Quiet is a code name for a work in progress. The Skunkworks secret codename if you will. I'm like a covert government agency building "tools of world change" in my notebook and I have many such "tools" in different stages of design and thus need different names. Untitled #13 sounds so much worse than Here's to Keeping Quiet.

2:06 AM

More Sleepless Love

By that I mean the poetry being an expression of how much I love my random readership... Ah.. Forget it.

Untitled (Here's to Keeping Quiet) Ver. .03

My only thought were questions:
LA or San Paulo
New York or Toronto
The oddity of packing swim trunks for Christmas Break
Suntan Lotion, Glasses, what else?
Facing the unknown with only your wits and supplies from Sav-ons
Quiet preperations for culture shock
Practicing the smile, not too much, not half-assed,
think of something funny, think of her smile at 2am
the speckles of paint and the street lamps glow on her face
the laugh you had when you thought of kissing her
the one joke that you could never tell
think of that on the first dish as you taste culture shock.
San Paulo and their salsa that she picked up--that frantic
two-step samba tada-da-tada-da-tada-tada
that you could dance all night, next to her.
--

Still not done. Need to think of an way to wrap this up or maybe take another story arc about how I hurt myself badly through her. I need to write about that--how I keep hurting myself with useless crushes and infatuations. I'm teaching my heart the wrong thing to love and the wrong way to love once I find the right person to love. Yeah, it should be about that and not about this.

That's why I have a blog. Silly--thousands of dollars of computer equipment, the internet and unseen millions of potential readers all to get me to see the light about my poem at two in the morning. I'm thinking it's the potential of people seeing this that spurs me so. Thanks reader, I couldn't have done this without you.

I should sleep now.

End stream_of_consiousness

posted by gimptek | 4/11/2003 01:56:00 AM


4/10/2003  

Exciting News


Well, exciting for me anyways. I'm actually making a website. The first splash page is up and it looks like I"m going to follow through on this one. I'm excited beyond words.

P.S.-I basically stole the idea of the splash page from White Mike. Thanks Mike. Sorry Mike.

Word of Warning to the Wise: You are not going to understand the splash image. Don't worry about that because, they're not for you. If you do happen to deduce it from interpretation and downloading the PSD of the splash image, then be my guest as to try to figure out what it is about. There are only 2 people (Jason and Deanna) who would posibly know what the image means but, they probably wouldn't because it's so vaugue. If you want to try your hand at guessing the intended meaning (which is quite specific) email me @ e_mwangi at hotmail dot com.

I meant it to be vague to facilitate the protection of the innocent. Just call me the Witness Protection Program.

Otherwises enjoy the my site. That feels so good--my new site. More good things to come soon.

Credits:
Host: coolfreepages.com - Free pages but, different in that they have PHP and MySQL on the server all in a free package while the only ads are pop-unders. Not great but, the best free hosting I've seen. 50MB w/FTP access as well.

Background: Squidfingers.com

-Website background (which I call wallpaper) are becoming all the rage and these are some of the best I've found on the net. They also make great patterns in PS.

posted by gimptek | 4/10/2003 06:48:00 PM


4/08/2003  

Fly Me To The Moon
by Frank Sinatra

Fly me to the moon
Let me play among the stars
Let me see what spring is like
On Jupiter and Mars.


In other words, hold my hand
In other words, baby kiss me.


Fill my heart with song
Let me sing for ever more
You are all I long for
All I worship and adore.


In other words, please be true
In other words, I love you.


I'm about to serendade a girl with this song (for Jason) on campus (Biola) who I met through a friend that is chatting with her on AOL Instant Messenger®. This is might be fun but, it's more likely going to work be in convienent and not work out like we had all hoped. Things tend to be more difficult and awkward than in the movies. They wouldn't be the movies if they were real. (I'm trying to watch out for going off on tangents and rants).

We were going to go to a poetry reading tonight but, didn't go because everyone I know doesn't want to go. Same thing over and over. One of these days, I'm not going to want to go to this poetry night or wear these clothes. Not because of growth but, because I'm tired of bucking the culture.

8:05 pm
We're going to sing for this girl in mere minutes I tell myself. Mere minutes away. Sound's like I'm backing down but, I'm not. We are on the way and I'm going to give her the concert of her life or at least her week or at least sing so loudly and badly and brashly until it becomes endering and she smiles--a move taken right out of Will Ferrel's book.

8:43
Looks like IM has taken down another victim. We are not going to sing this girl a serenade. She's not going win the Jack Johnson CD from my friend and I'm going to go home and eat something, watch a glowing box and sleep so, I can repeat this whole procedure tomorrow. I need a job.

posted by gimptek | 4/08/2003 08:15:00 PM


4/07/2003  

4:39 AM

Online Personals suck just as much as people think that they would. Just wanted to clarify.

For some reason. I don't want to sleep right now.

posted by gimptek | 4/07/2003 04:42:00 AM
 

Found a couple of people but, I'm trying to narrow it down some more. I'll see how it looks tomorrow and see if anyone picked up at the bait.

It's 4 am and my body knows it.

posted by gimptek | 4/07/2003 03:55:00 AM
 

Slim Pickins

Looking around at the personal ad site, it's disappointingly slim pickings. No I'm not interested in goth/wiccan chicks who go both ways. I'll take my girl kind, firey and one-of-a-kind, please.

There's no hope for me. 6 Billion and not a one is even remotely interesting to me. Maybe I should flip the coin and start dating guys. The only person remotely interesting in the concept of the female version of my friend Tendo.
No offense to my good friend Tendo (who I have told this to).

posted by gimptek | 4/07/2003 03:00:00 AM
 

I posted my first real personal ad.



Search for the username all_and_none if you are intersested in looking at it.

Everyone reading this is probably going to interested in looking at it so, give it a whirl. It also has the one picture of me that I think is half-way decent (it's no where close to good but, decent is enough for me) It's in a movie critics database site (rotten tomatoes) and I was intrigued by the quality and character of the women posting there were. It's kinda scary and cool at the same time.


I'm posting because... It would be a good experiment. I'm truely curious of the type of people out there. I put that I am a Christian clearly. I also put that I was looking for friends in addition to interdigitation buddies (that's for Granda Heights Friends so, don't cry if you didn't laugh at that joke)(Don't cry if it isn't funny either).


I'm really hoping to find an Emo-Chic with a poet's soul, a beat-nut haircut and a propensity for videogames but, I probably won't find her.


There's something Emo about that; knowing you won't find your soul-mate (or at least what you think wll be the perfect match) and searching anyway--a pathetic sort of romance. A hope from the lack of hope in a situation.

I'm hoping I don't come off as pathetic. I really am. I could stand everything else other than seeming pathetic because that's the only way I won't get replies to my personal ad.

Personal Ad. I'm selling myself to the open market. I'm a graphic designer so, I'm used to selling myself.

posted by gimptek | 4/07/2003 02:02:00 AM


4/04/2003  

-Fashion-
As long as I'm not naked, I've satified my obligation to others. Asking anything more than that is exactly that--asking. I've always had my own way of dressing myself, different from almost everyone I know. I see it as a valid form of self-expression.

Self-expression is valid by itself. By that, I mean that a person does not need to express it in such a way to make the expression understandable to anyone, even yourself. Self-expression doesn't need to be a form of communication that is understandable to be valid. It can be an outlet of tension or stress that once done is its own reason for exsistance. In other words, the very fact that an expression exsists in any form is reason enough for the expression. If someone splatters paint on canvas in a way that only feels right or re-arranges their furniture or even just fixates and ponders on the color red for a while, that can be an expression. One doesn't need to know why doing something is an outlet for thoughts or feelings as long as they know or feel a relationship between those two things--a feeling or tension inside of them and an expression of it through action or thought.

The problem lies in the fact that while I like to express myself through what I wear, my friends often not only don't understand it (which is OK to me) they also kinda sorta make me feel bad for my own self-expression through what I wear. Wearing clothes is not dictated by friends or family any further than me not being naked. That's a clear and easy distinction to make being a guy. When I say not being naked, I also mean not wearing anything too taboo or risque, i.e. not wearing anything close to naked or overtly revealing or in bad taste. And taboo/risque things aren't out of the picture but, I see them as tools in self expression to get a strong reaction out of people. Those are tools that I almost never use but, if I were a girl, I would have a much larger grey area with those things but, I am a man and don't really worry about it because I stay far from the boundaries of good taste.

I recently wasn't too happy on a sunday morning, going to church and I just didn't feel like being cheerful. I decided to wear black and alot of it just because I felt like it. In the back of my mind as I was dressing I wondered if anyone would notice. I wore a black sleeveless sweater over a black dress shirt on top of a black undershirt. I also wore black jeans, black shoes and black tie to match. (I also wore black socks and underwear but, those were just for me to know--Self-expression for my own benefit.) I went out the door that day in all black, to church no less. Three layers of clothes in 85 degree weather and a rather sad and quiet disposition in exchange for my cheerful outgoing mood. Not a single person noticed. Not only that, they kept asking me all day why I have so much on. Whatever.

Apathy. That's usually my answer to people's ignorance of me. I've known people for years that still treat me with sterotypes. Sterotypes are good tools to use if you understand them for making quick guesses about people or situations but, you can't bank on them.

So, that's what I did. I didn't say what happened. I don't wear what I want to wear out because my friends don't understand and usually taunt me for being different. So, I've felt myself slowly change what I do wear opposed to what I want to wear to suit their tastes and taboos. No one in my group of friends understands me to any significant degree and only 2 or 3 people in my group of friends understands the fact that I'm different from the group and change myself when I'm in the group. They understand this because they themselves change when they are in the group. It's a special bond that all minorities (minorities in the larger, conceptual meaning of the term) share. Being out of the group versus being in the group. It's not a simple thing to grasp especially when you are in the majority of the group.

My friends are trying to understand me as a minority. The fact that I'm both African and African-American in a largely white church (the institution that me and most of my friends share). That I'm very urban and liberal while they are decidedly conservative on things. [For most people reading this, I am probably very conservative in your eyes but, the church and thus the group of friends that I have would be considered ultra-conservative.] Some of my friends are interested and do try to understand me. They put forth effort and show growth in that area while others are completely oblivious to it.

Another minority/majority relationship I have with the people at my church is the distinction between significantly divergent expression and simply mainstream expression. What I mean by this is that sometimes you have to step outside the boundaries of the group to express yourself. Sometimes this is being the only voice saying that we should go out to a museum or something more culturally significat than just seeing a biggest box office draw that saturday. Sometimes that is dressing formally to church (ie. a tie) everyone else isn't going that formal. Sometimes you have to stand in the face of what everyone else is thinking if only to express yourself and make your stand.

Being a conservative bunch, my group of friends and church and by definition all conservative structures have a way of hammering down the nail that sticks out. Now, don't get me wrong. Conservative strutures (like my group of friend or my church) are Good and worthwhile as a system of regulation. There are just some areas that this shouldn't happen. It's at this point that I have trouble. I don't want to change an institution drastically away from the Good things that brought it this far, I just want people to see that hindering someone from expressing themselves or holding someone back for the sake of the comfort of the group is a hinderance to the group itself.

People must conform to the group but, the ways people conform should all have valid reasons. People shouldn't do something just because this is the way people always did them and at the same time a member of the group shouldn't overturn a tradition of the group frivilously. Like the movie; we always see movies. I say we should do something other than a movie because we've done movies for so long and a museum or a play or something like that would he a benefit to the group over a movie.

Another problem with conforming is that over time, someone conforming for the sake of the group but, is reality a different way will change to what they are conforming to over time. For example, there are many things that I see and I think would look cool to wear. I don't buy them because I'll never wear them because my friends would think they are strange. I think they are cool but, my friends wouldn't and over time my view starts drifting towards theirs to the point that I start seeing things that I knew I liked before in a dimmer light. This is a loss over time. This isn't growth. It's not a change in fashion where tastes change but rather a change in the willingness to push the group's boundaries and my own person limitations in thought and action when it comes to clothes.

I said that I tend to take things seriously. I think about things alot. There are very few idle words that people say and very few idle actions that people do.

Tonight, I'm going to a party where we are going to watch a movie and talk about it. It's going to be something that I might not want to end up watching. It's also going to be a time where I am going to wear something that I had at first decided not to wear for the sake of the group's tastes. For the curious, it's a black, Shaq brand sweatsuit with a stripe of rust and caramel down the sides I got from Walmart a couple of months ago. Yeah, I know, Walmart/Shaq but, it was under $50 and I like the color. I'll get a Sean John when I get my cheeze up. I'm wearing it tonight because it's something I love and bought because I love and never wear because of the group. I'll see how it goes and report back here.

-This Blog entry is dedicated to Jason because he encouraged me to speak my mind no matter how many words it takes.

posted by gimptek | 4/04/2003 06:36:00 PM
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